Hey Dude, Where’s My Bribe?

It has come to my attention that I have been cheated. Apparently there are authors out there paying for good reviews of their books. Well, I have given glowing reviews to a number of books lately. The following authors should be contacting me about payment:
Sherry Thomas
Jo Goodman
Gwen Hayes
Zoe Archer
Elyse Snow
Carolyn Jewel
Courtney Milan, Carolyn Jewel and Sherry Thomas — okay, some authors are on here TWICE! That’s extra gratitude owed.

I have also been informed that there’s a conspiracy among traditional publishers to discredit self-published authors by paying reviewers to give SPA’s books poor reviews. (Did you follow that? It took me a few minutes.) How do I get on this gravy train? Where do I sign up? Because I have DNF’ed some pretty piss-poor self-published books in the last few months, and if someone wants to pay me to actually review them, I could get on board with that. And let’s be creative — how about some of you self-publishing authors get together, pool your resources, and pay me to write bad reviews of the traditionally published books that I DNF’ed in the same period? Because yeah, there are some stinkers coming out of both ends of the publishing pool. I’d finish them and write about them for a price, but otherwise they just aren’t worth my time.

The lovely and talented Carolyn Jewel (yes, whose name appears twice in the above list) has been bartering the contents of her junk drawer for reviews; I’m sure the collective junk of a pool of authors could be pretty impressive. So let’s hear some offers! I mean, if Konrath says that sock puppets and paid reviews are okay, and the Bully Brigade has confirmed the existence of this publishing conspiracy, then who am I to hold to some ridiculous standard of honesty? Bring on the bribes and put those checks in the mail! And feel free to leave contact info in the comments if you want me to send you my PayPal address.

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12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. gwen hayes (@gwenhayes)
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 21:03:19

    Do you take Foster Puppies?

    Reply

  2. ASandraAntonelli
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 21:03:33

    Will you review for cookies and or coffee? Is that enough of a bribe?

    Reply

  3. Carolyn Jewel
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 21:08:10

    I still have that orange hair tie.

    Reply

  4. sonomalass
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 21:11:43

    Yes, this is excellent! Cookies and coffee for sure — and while not all foster puppies would be acceptable, I’ve seen the pictures of Gwen’s and she’s totally worth a five-star review.

    Carolyn, we’ll have to talk about that hair tie. I’m just not sure orange is my color. Although I suppose its value will go up if the Giants win the World Series.

    Reply

  5. Moira Rogers (Bree) (@moirarogersbree)
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 21:22:23

    I have 9 bars of Milka chocolate. But I’m keeping those. I will barter one of the 4 tape measures I found on my desk last week…

    Reply

  6. happyflowerwordzoo002
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 22:44:17

    Hilarious. I shall keep on Rolodex when in need of a review. 🙂

    Reply

  7. Zoe Archer (@Zoe_Archer)
    Oct 26, 2012 @ 07:50:48

    You’re not getting any of my boots.

    Reply

  8. sonomalass
    Oct 26, 2012 @ 09:05:19

    @Bree: I’ll take a tape measure. Unless it’s a yellow and black one — I hate those, because they remind me of Home Ec classes in school. I’ll review something and contact you 😉

    @Zoe: Yeah, like I could fit in your boots. Don’t you have to buy a child’s size? Your footwear is safe from me. But we could talk baked goods when your next Ether Chronicles book comes out…

    Reply

  9. Isobel Carr
    Oct 26, 2012 @ 12:29:37

    I will so loan you Clancy for a good review …

    Reply

  10. victoriajanssen
    Oct 26, 2012 @ 12:59:07

    I have some lonely socks. You could use them to hold carrots. Or maybe turnips.

    Reply

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